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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26647141">with you, everything's warmer</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamsangi/pseuds/kamsangi'>kamsangi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>daisies in a wheat-field [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>5+1 Things, Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Future Fic, Introspection, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nostalgia, Romance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 09:28:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,745</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26647141</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamsangi/pseuds/kamsangi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>5 times Felix thinks about what Chris means to him, and 1 time he tells Chris exactly how he feels.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Lee Felix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>daisies in a wheat-field [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1938556</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>99</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>563</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>with you, everything's warmer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>so this was supposed to be short... anyway i have no sense of self-restraint, wbk</p><p>the very first scene continues from the fic right before this one in the series. you don't have to read it to get the rest of this, but it'd help to understand where this is coming from! </p><p>hope you all enjoy this new installment in the Chanlix Are Super In Love And It's Canon universe</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>1.</p><p>The first time Felix had ever seen a shooting star, he’d been six and wide-eyed and breathless with excitement. He’d clutched at his older sister’s hand, stared up at the night sky streaked with silver and gold, and asked if he could bring one home.</p><p><em>You can’t catch shooting stars, silly,</em> she’d said, giving his cheek a light pinch.</p><p>He’d still wanted to, and he’d held out his palms expectantly like one would fall right into his grasp at any moment.</p><p>The memory flits across the back of his mind the moment Chris turns his attention to him, his wandering fingers gentle across his skin, mapping his freckles out from point-to-point. Chris keeps calling them shooting stars. Like they’re something to be in awe of, to eagerly look at, to want all for your own.</p><p>Chris catches Felix’s face in his hands, and Felix forgets how to breathe.</p><p>“Perfect,” Chris whispers, reverent and soft, the moment meant for just the two of them. His hands slip from Felix’s cheeks down his neck and to his shoulders, solid and secure, before running down his arms lightly. Felix can’t move, can’t even look away, can’t even get his thoughts straight because Chris has just called his freckles <em>perfect,</em> and in that tone of voice, and with his hands on Felix—</p><p>He’s pretty sure he’s had this exact same daydream at least thrice a week since he’s been a trainee.</p><p>Felix finally finds his voice. “They’re not,” he says, eyes still meeting Chris’, completely unable to be torn away.</p><p>“They are,” Chris says, shooting him a devastatingly gorgeous grin, and Felix can’t help the way his face warms. He wants to hide behind his hands, the abashment starting to set in. And then, Chris adds, “And I love them.”</p><p>Felix’s heart stops, right then and there, before restarting like a jumpy engine, spluttering in and out of life. “You do?” he asks, only just realising how breathy and small his voice must sound. “Then…” he says, suddenly wanting nothing more than for Chris to think that for the rest of his days, “I’d better fix them. For you.”</p><p>For some reason, Chris’ breath hitches audibly. “You mean for Stays.”</p><p>“I mean for you,” Felix repeats, placing more emphasis on the words, and he smiles when Chris’ eyes widen just a little and his cheeks flush red like he’s just stepped out into subzero temperatures. Chris has always been ridiculously pale. Felix has always been fascinated by how easily his skin lights up.</p><p>There are tissues on the counter. Felix makes for them as Chris ambles back over to the table to get his laptop, and starts lightly scrubbing under his eyes. “Remember to be quick,” he hears Chris call from the door, back in leader-mode, “the fansign starts in fifteen.”</p><p>Felix unearths a set of spots along his jaw, and replies, “Yes, hyung.” He listens for Chris’ footsteps as they thump along the corridor, getting fainter as they get further away.</p><p>He drops the tissue in the bin once he’s done. He didn’t manage to get all of his make-up off, but it’s fine. They should be visible enough.</p><p>He scrutinises his appearance in the large mirror and presses his fingertips along the familiar speckles of dark-and-light brown. He’d always thought of them as a bother. Everyone else in the group has the clearest skin he’s ever seen, and here he is with sun-spots that’ll never go away.</p><p>Felix has always, always been insecure about them. But, then—</p><p><em>Perfect,</em> echoes Chris’ voice in his head again, and Felix sucks in a breath. He remembers the way Chris had touched Felix’s face, the way he’d looked at Felix like he was something precious, the way he’d smiled.</p><p><em>Well,</em> he thinks, <em>Chan-hyung doesn’t ever lie. Not to me.</em></p><p>Later, at the fansign, Felix has just signed his thirty-sixth album of the day when the next fan comes up in line. She’s clutching at a letter and has a scarf around her neck that’s pulled up to her nose.</p><p>Felix smiles up at her and says, “Hello!”</p><p>She blinks down at him, and she sets her album and the letter down. “Your freckles are so pretty,” she blurts out, and Felix feels his own smile grow wider, “and I like that you don’t hide them. It makes me feel better about my own.”</p><p>“You have them too?” Felix tilts his head. “Can I see?”</p><p>The fan pulls her scarf down, and she’s smiling just a little awkwardly. Her freckles are spread across the sides of her cheeks, constellations in another galaxy. “I never really liked having them,” she admits, “not until I saw that you had them too. So, thank you.”</p><p>Felix blinks. She’s thanking him? “For having freckles?”</p><p>“Thank you for loving them,” she says, “so that I could love them too.”</p><p>Felix’s heart swells. He puts on his best, brightest smile, and tells her, “Yours are even prettier than mine. Don’t be afraid to show them, okay? You should leave the scarf off. I think the other members would say the same thing.”</p><p>She beams, and waits for Felix to sign her album. When she’s done, she hands him the letter and says, “Thank you,” yet again, this time with even more feeling.</p><p>“Thank <em>you,”</em> Felix says, and he watches her move down the line.</p><p>He’s just finished posing with a cute flower headband for another fan when he hears Chris, three seats away, exclaiming, “Oh! You’ve got freckles just like Felix.”</p><p>Felix can’t make out what she says in response, but he does hear Chris say, “His are beautiful, aren’t they? Yours are too.” Another pause, and then he adds, “He told you to take your scarf off? That’s great.”</p><p>Once she’s left, Felix catches Chris’ eye, suddenly craving his attention after hearing him say his name.</p><p>Chris glances back at him and smiles, fond and sweet.</p><p>
  <em>Perfect. Beautiful.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I love them.</em>
</p><p>Felix swallows hard, and ducks his head, feeling his heart twist and thump in his chest and against his ribcage. A shooting star, soaring across the sky and crashing into the sea, again and again and again.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>2.</p><p>Sleepless nights aren’t rare, but they’re usually the product of practices stretching late into the early hours of the morning, or a spot of gaming that’d spiralled out of control.</p><p>Felix lies in bed, wide awake and exhausted all in one, unable to fall asleep for the third time this week. It’s not the good kind of exhausted either, the kind you get after running or dancing for hours, where you ache all over in a satisfying way and go to sleep easily after—it’s the kind of exhausted that permeates his skin, his bones, his blood; the kind that comes with murky, unrelinquishing thoughts creeping through every memory in his mind.</p><p>The kind of exhausted that leads to dreams he can’t remember in the morning, but can still feel the aftereffects of throughout the rest of the day. Shaky, unsettling, horrible-no-good-very-bad dreams.</p><p>He wants to sleep. He really does.</p><p>Felix stares up at the ceiling, willing and wishing himself to just shut his eyes and go to sleep, but it doesn’t happen. Every single time he tries to, he just keeps seeing the same things. Hearing the same things.</p><p>
  <em>We didn’t want this for you. You’re not good enough. What are you doing here?</em>
</p><p>He shudders, a breath escaping him. Old memories, new memories, memories that don’t exist—they’ve been haunting him more, recently.</p><p><em>You shouldn’t be ashamed,</em> his vocal teacher’s voice comes, suddenly breaking through the fog of fatigue, <em>everyone worries that they’re not living up to someone’s expectations. You’re not alone.</em></p><p>Felix flicks open his phone and scrolls through his playlist till he finds that one song she’d played for him that day. The song that’d made him break down in tears in front of her. It’s embarrassing to think about, the fact that he even did, but he’d never appreciated her more than when she’d noticed he was feeling off. When she spoke to him like someone who cared.</p><p>“Why are there so many songs about rainbows,” Felix whispers along, letting the gentle piano and the familiar voice carry his thoughts elsewhere, “what’s on the other side?”</p><p><em>Maybe on the other side there’s a better Felix,</em> he thinks a bit bitterly. Someone a little less disappointing. Someone who speaks better, someone who tries harder.</p><p>“Somebody sure is deep in thought.”</p><p>He hadn’t even noticed the door opening. Chris is standing beside the bed, looking like he’s just gotten back from working out or meeting with friends. Vaguely, Felix recalls something about Chris mentioning that he’d be hanging out with Bambam the rest of the day. He didn’t think he’d be back so soon.</p><p>Felix tugs his AirPods out. “It’s nothing,” he says, clearing his throat, but Chris gives him a tiny, wan smile and sits on the edge of the bed, one hand landing lightly on Felix’s thigh.</p><p>“It’s never nothing,” Chris says. “Not with you.” His hand runs over Felix’s bare knee, casual and warm. “What are you listening to?”</p><p>Oh. Had he heard Felix singing when he walked in?</p><p>His face flushes. Embarrassment creeps up his spine. “Nothing,” he repeats, angling his phone out of Chris’ view. “It’s just… a song from a movie.”</p><p>“What movie?” Chris’ head tilts, puppy-ish and inquisitive. “Which song?”</p><p>“It’s… from the Muppets Movie,” Felix mumbles. “It’s—”</p><p>Before he can even finish, Chris is already beaming. “Is it Rainbow Connection? I love that song, it’s so good.” He sings a little bit of it, picking up right where Felix had left off when he’d finally noticed Chris standing there, and in the still air of the room with just the two of them, his voice is clear and bright, but still gentle enough to hold each word tenderly, kindly. Like he means it.</p><p>He stops too soon, cutting off like he’s been jerked out of a daydream, but Felix instantly reaches to grab his sleeve, words jumbled together as he says, “Keep singing.”</p><p>Chris blinks down at him, and Felix wonders if that’s too indulgent a request for someone as busy as Chris. Chris, who likely has better things to do than just sit here and sing.</p><p>But Chris smiles, looking fond. There’s something a little faraway in his gaze that Felix can’t pinpoint.</p><p>And Chris does, starting from the beginning. His voice is warm and familiar, like the cosy crackle of a fireplace during winter. The taste of hot cocoa on his lips. Felix lies there, just listening to him sing, drawn towards him like a moth to flame.</p><p><em>His voice is beautiful,</em> Felix thinks absently, his hand falling to the mattress from where it’d been holding onto Chris’ shirt. <em>It’s always been beautiful.</em></p><p>
  <em>He’s beautiful.</em>
</p><p>Chris gets into the chorus, and Felix must show some sign that he’s starting to ease up, because Chris lifts a hand to run his fingers through Felix’s hair, each repeated motion making Felix relax more and more. His thoughts take a back-seat to the lullaby, his memories fading for the presence of Chris’ smile.</p><p>It feels safe. It feels like home.</p><p>Maybe this is what’s on the other side of the rainbow.</p><p>Just Chris.</p><p>As he begins to drift off, he feels Chris' hand smooth his hair back from his forehead, and he hears a murmured, "G'night, 'Lix." There’s a tiny pause. “You’ll be alright. I promise.”</p><p>Then, he feels the warm press of lips to his forehead before the bed’s lifting with Chris' weight. Chris’ steps move towards the door, and the light’s doused with a soft click of the wall switch. The door opens and closes, leaving Felix in gentle darkness, the only light coming from the dim glow of Changbin’s still-open laptop.</p><p>Felix doesn’t move for a long time, not even after Changbin’s slipped into the room and gone to sleep, his soft snores filling up the space between their beds. Chris doesn’t return, likely having gone back to work in their little studio-closet. Felix knows he’ll probably be asleep before Chris even finishes for the night.</p><p>He keeps replaying the moment. After a while, he’s not even sure it happened.</p><p>Maybe he’d dreamt the kiss. Maybe it’d been a trick of his memory and the warmth of his sheets.</p><p>But Felix finally sleeps, and dreams, and doesn’t have a single nightmare.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>3.</p><p>It starts as a way to get close to his mum again.</p><p>He doesn’t recall ever being interested in baking as a kid, but the first time he’d ever tried making something from scratch, it’d been the most relaxing thing he’d done in a long time. Felix had texted his mum the same night with a string of happy emojis, chattering on about how the recipe had turned out, and she’d given him a bunch of tips to try for the next time.</p><p>The reactions of the rest of the group and their staff when he’d gone around the next morning had been just as fun to witness. Turns out no one can ever truly resist a box of freshly-baked brownies. Not even the members on self-imposed diets.</p><p>(“Eat it and tell me it’s not good,” Jisung had chanted over and over, “eat it and tell me it’s not good, eat it and tell me it’s not good.”</p><p>“I’th <em>t’ho goo’fh,”</em> Changbin had said, mouth stuffed full of brownie. “Oh my g’ofh.”</p><p>Jisung had laid down on the couch beside Felix. “Give me one,” he’d said in defeat, and Felix kindly fed him the tiniest piece in the box from the tip of a toothpick.)</p><p>But nothing had been better than his mum’s face when he’d showed her his baking over video call, impressed and proud, telling him that they looked good.</p><p>They haven’t been speaking as much as he’d have liked, recently. With never-ending schedules, practices that go on for ages and Felix wanting to spend whatever free time he has alone and doing stuff that he hasn’t gotten the chance to yet, it’s left a bit of a drift between Felix and his parents.</p><p>Now—he at least has an excuse to text her with something besides the usual ‘good morning’ message. <em>Do you think I should add more coffee powder? Should I get real vanilla beans or just a bottle of vanilla essence? What should I try making next? Does halmeoni have a recipe for that?</em></p><p>It’s nice. He hasn’t bonded with her over something in a long, long time.</p><p>It’s hard when he’s hundreds of miles away from her. From the rest of his family.</p><p>From home.</p><p>Felix pushes his shopping cart down the aisle, and peruses a row of milk cartons, all labeled in far too many colourful Korean letters that make his eyes blur a little. He’s almost done getting all the ingredients he needs for tonight’s attempt at chewy chocolate chip cookies.</p><p>He hadn’t quite planned on making those initially, but—Chris.</p><p>That mostly sums things up.</p><p>He tugs his phone out, leaning against the handlebar of the cart. <em>‘What time r u back from the office tonight?’</em> he texts.</p><p><em>‘late’</em> is all he gets in response.</p><p>Beneath his mask, Felix lets out a breath. <em>‘Ok’</em> he just replies before shoving his phone back into the pocket of his jeans.</p><p>Chris has been coming home seeming even more stressed out than usual. Maybe it’s the amount of work he’s been taking on, or the fact that he’s being stretched thin by their schedules and the expectations being heaped onto him by the company and having to take care of the group all in one.</p><p>Either way, Felix really doesn’t blame him. He just—he wishes there was something he could do. Something a little more solid. Something that can make Chris feel a little better. Even if it’s just by a bit.</p><p>So, that’s the plan. Cookies. Fresh cookies can make anyone feel better, can’t they?</p><p>At least, for Felix they sure do.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>That night, he waits for everyone to go back into their rooms before he creeps quietly into the kitchen to pull out all his measuring cups, wipe down his silicone baking mats and drag the massive sack of AP flour over to the dining table from where they have it shoved haphazardly into the space between the counter and the fridge.</p><p>Felix snaps his gloves on, thinks about texting Chris one final time to check if he’s coming back anytime soon, and then realises he’d have to take his gloves off again to do that.</p><p>He huffs. Never mind. It’s not a big deal. He’ll just start making them now.</p><p>Knowing how late Chris gets whenever he just says he’ll be ‘late’, it probably won’t be till four or five in the morning. The time on the clock hanging in the living room says 12:35a.m.—it’s just around the time Felix would be on his computer and halfway through a round of Warframe. He probably could still get in a couple of rounds, actually, if he can get the dough done and in the fridge by one. They’ll be ready to bake by three, and done by three-thirty.</p><p><em>That sounds like a plan,</em> Felix cheerily decides as he pulls a bowl closer and starts weighing out ingredients. <em>A good plan. A great cookie plan. Look, Mum, I’m decent at planning things now</em>.</p><p>And hopefully, he’ll be done in time to surprise Chris with them.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He’s just tugging the clingfilm-wrapped bowl of dough out of the fridge when the door gently rattles once, and then twice, opening and closing with a soft thump.</p><p>Felix freezes, staring at the doorway.</p><p>Chris walks in and pauses, looking like he’s just caught Felix doing something he’s not supposed to be doing. “Are you…” he starts, tilting his head, “baking… at <em>three in the morning?”</em></p><p>Felix closes the fridge with his foot. “Is it three already? I had no idea.”</p><p>Chris gives him a look. “You do remember we’re leaving at nine tomorrow?”</p><p>“Says the one who just got back from the office.”</p><p>“Is it three already? I had no idea,” Chris echoes lightly, placing his laptop bag onto a chair. “I thought you only baked on weekends.”</p><p>“It’s… there’s a reason,” Felix mumbles, setting the bowl on the table.</p><p>“Yeah?” Chris says, half-teasing, half-something else. “Making cookies for someone special?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Felix answers before he can stop himself. “Someone <em>really</em> special.”</p><p>Chris’ eyebrows rise slightly. “Oh,” he says, and Felix isn’t sure if it’s just his mind playing tricks on him, but does Chris sound a bit disappointed, almost? “Must be the case if you’re up this late. Is it someone we know?”</p><p>“Oh, everyone knows him,” Felix says, “he’s really popular with the other members too. They think he’s great. They look up to him a lot. He’s a really good leader and everything too.”</p><p>Chris looks stumped. “You’re making cookies at three in the morning for… JB?”</p><p>He sounds genuinely bewildered. Felix thinks his heart might combust with how fond he feels for this silly, utterly obtuse boy. “Channie-hyung,” he says, an amused smile breaking across his face, “they’re for you.”</p><p>Chris’ expression clears up. “Oh,” he says again, this time a lot softer. “You said it was someone really special.”</p><p>Lightly, Felix taps Chris on the arm with a spatula, the gentlest reprimand he can think of without saying something absolutely ridiculous like, <em>you’re the most special person in my life, how could you ever think that it’s not you? That it’s ever not you, every single time?</em></p><p>Chris places a hand over the spot Felix had hit him, smiling sheepishly. “Ow,” he says. “Point taken.” He still looks a bit puzzled. “But—you didn’t have to stay up this late to make ‘em.”</p><p>“Well, I know you haven’t really been sleeping again,” Felix starts, looking away, “and I figured—cookies, y’know, sometimes you have a really good one and it makes everything feel better, and I thought maybe it’d help—and you’d have a better night, and you could sleep a bit better.”</p><p>When he glances up again, Chris is looking at him with such genuine, vulnerable regard that it makes Felix’s stomach contract, his heart clench, his entire chest seize with tenderness. “You didn’t have to,” Chris repeats, voice almost a whisper.</p><p>“But I <em>wanted</em> to,” Felix says, stuck on Chris’ expression. He swallows, and tamps down the fluttery feelings inside, stomps down on the desire to have Chris look at him like that all the time, and asks, “Want to help me roll them out?”</p><p>The corner of Chris’ mouth tips up. “Sure,” he says. “I’d love to.”</p><p>They work side by side for twenty minutes, Chris watching Felix roll out the little cookie balls and pressing them down before attempting them himself. It’s nice. It’s relaxing. The comforting silence and the ease of Chris’ companionship is more than Felix could’ve ever asked for.</p><p>Felix gets the first sheet of cookies in, and they finish the rest of the dough off while the first batch bakes and browns in their little oven.</p><p>Chris hums a quiet tune, something that Felix doesn’t recognise. Maybe it’s something he’s working on right now. Maybe it’s a song Felix just doesn’t know. Either way, it reminds him of that one night Chris had sung him to sleep, lovely and kind.</p><p><em>You’ll be alright,</em> he’d said. <em>I promise.</em></p><p>It’s been months since then. He was right. Things have been alright. Maybe better than alright, even. Things have been good.</p><p>And this—this is good too.</p><p>His phone beeps, and Felix almost falls over himself to silence the timer before it wakes the rest of the dorm up. He trades a ridiculous giggle with Chris before padding over to the oven, rubber mitts on and ready to grab the tray.</p><p>The cookies are golden-brown, chocolate melting off the edges and across the surface, not-quite-circles but still looking delicious.</p><p>“Whoa,” Chris says, eyes as big and round as the cookies. “Do they need to cool? Can I take one?”</p><p>“Hold up.” Felix sets the tray down, and starts fanning at them with one of the unused mats. “Give it like… thirty seconds.”</p><p>Chris hops from one foot to the other. “They look so good,” he says, looking like a kid in a candy-store. Or—just Chris with any sort of food in general. “Oh man, you can smell them from here.”</p><p>Felix pokes one with the tip of his finger. Deciding that it’s fine to eat (and also because he really doesn’t want to make Chris wait any longer), he says, “Go for it.”</p><p>Chris whoops quietly, ever mindful of the still-sleeping members, and carefully picks one up, handling it between both palms since it’s still hot. He takes a bite, and Felix nervously watches and waits.</p><p>“Felix,” Chris says, still chewing, “this is—so good. The best cookie I’ve ever had.” He makes a pleased, content noise, and Felix’s ears go red. “Mm. It’s so soft. It’s really, really good.”</p><p>“Really?” Felix beams, absolutely elated. Chris has only ever given him satisfied hums and little minor nitpicks at how he could improve. This is the first time he’s said nothing but praise. “For reals?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Chris gives him a thumbs up, smiling. “Think I’m gonna sleep real well tonight.”</p><p>“Good.” Felix can’t stop grinning. “That was the plan.”</p><p>“There’s so much chocolate in here,” Chris adds, swiping his thumb over the corner of his mouth. “Oh man. That just melts right down.”</p><p>“Yeah—I know you like the melty cookies better than the other kind, so I figured, that’d be good. Figured you’d like these the most.”</p><p>Chris smiles. “You know me best,” he says, popping a last piece into his mouth.</p><p>Felix wants to say,<em> I’d make you all the cookies in the world just to keep you happy.</em></p><p>But, Felix just plucks another cookie off the tray. “If I did,” he says, holding it out between two fingers, “I’d know that you definitely want another.”</p><p>Chris laughs, and takes it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Minutes later, doused in the dim light of his phone screen in the dark of his room, Felix sleepily texts his mum knowing that she’ll probably only see it in the morning after she’s woken up. <em>Cookies were a success! Chris rly liked them :D Tnx for the recipe!</em></p><p>He’s still asleep when her reply comes at seven-thirty.<em> Happy for u baby,</em> it says. <em>Give your boy my best.</em></p><p> </p><p> </p><p>4.</p><p>He doesn’t realise it’s a thing until someone points it out.</p><p>Felix loves hugs, craves affection in the form of physical contact, wants nothing more than to be touched and held. The others don’t always indulge him, but whenever he gets into a bit of a mood, they don’t mind letting him cuddle them in bed for a bit.</p><p>He never got to touch people much, back home. There hadn’t been any reason in particular as to why, but he just—hadn’t. Maybe rooming with seven other boys for more than three years has just made him more open about things he wants. Like hugs. Or long conversations in bed, with everyone’s limbs splayed out across each other. Or easy affection that you’d only really get from family.</p><p>So, he takes what he can get from the others.</p><p>All of them, except Chris.</p><p>Each time he clings a little too long, or thinks about hugging him to sleep the same way he does with the others, he’s filled with an abrupt, strange fear that Chris will see right through him, will know what Felix feels for him. It roots him in place, keeps him from taking that one extra step into Chris’ arms.</p><p>Felix doesn’t quite realise that Chris has developed a bit of a complex about it himself until Jeongin’s talking about his One Kids Room episode again one evening over dinner. “Remember everyone making fun of Chan-hyung for being the only one who didn’t know you cuddled people to sleep?”</p><p>“Tragedy of the century,” Minho comments, poking his chopsticks into a plate of kimchi.</p><p>“Tears, tears,” Changbin adds. “Waterfall of tears.”</p><p>“The fans use his face as a reaction photo now,” Jisung mentions. “It’s great. I have it saved on my phone.”</p><p>“Let me see,” Jeongin says, leaning over to take a look.</p><p>“Ooh,” Seungmin says. “Me too, me too.”</p><p>“Wow, nice to know how much you all care,” Chris snarks from the other end of the table. Felix chances a glances up in his direction and sees the way he’s pouting, the corners of his mouth downturned. He can’t tell if he’s playing along or not.</p><p>“It’s okay hyung,” Changbin says, nudging Chris in the side. “You’ll get your turn eventually.”</p><p>“Sure,” Hyunjin says, “if Felix ever lets him.”</p><p>Felix’s ears burn. “Come on,” he whines, and they all snicker at him. “It’s not like he’s ever asked either!”</p><p>He meets Chris’ eyes across the table, and there’s an odd tilt to the way he’s smiling. Like he hadn’t really thought about that either.</p><p>Felix turns his attention back to his plate, and shelves Chris’ expression away for later.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Later, much later—they’re in the studio alone, having stayed back at the company to work on a track. Felix had suggested working on something together, and Chris had taken a bit of time out of his usual composing schedule to cobble together a basic enough beat that would be enough of a foundation to practice on.</p><p>Felix still isn’t incredibly confident about his songwriting skills, but the way Chris smiles at him and encourages him during writing sessions and praises him as they’re recording, just the two of them, makes him think that maybe he can do it after all.</p><p>“You’d be a good music teacher,” Felix comments as Chris shuts his laptop down. “You’re already like, a <em>million</em> times better than the guy who tried to teach me how to play the piano when I was like, four.”</p><p>“Oh, you got the piano lessons too, huh?” Chris grins, unplugging his MIDI keyboard. “And, nah, I think I’d probably scare all my students off if I did.”</p><p>Felix laughs. “Maybe they’d think you were scary at first,” he says, “but after a few lessons they’d find out how nice you actually are. And how you just wanted them to do well.”</p><p>Chris gives him a glance, sliding his laptop back into its case. “Sounds familiar,” he teases. “Personal experience?”</p><p>“Maybe,” Felix says, drumming his fingers along the table. “Were you ever a scary swim coach? Back home?”</p><p>“A bit.” Chris pats his bag down. “I used to get really intense about swim meets. The same way I get intense about our recordings.”</p><p>“Ah,” Felix says sagely, “so you were downright <em>terrifying.”</em></p><p>Chris gives him a look. “I’m not that bad,” he argues, before pausing. “Am I? Is that why you won’t cuddle me or something?”</p><p>Wait, what?</p><p>Felix blinks at him. “Where did that come from?”</p><p>Chris’ face heats up. “Um,” he says, rubbing at his neck, “I just—since everyone kept saying you never tried coming to me for any sort of skinship, I just thought… maybe that was the reason?”</p><p>Felix shakes his head hurriedly, at a loss for words. “I…” he squeaks, “uh. You never asked?”</p><p>“Oh,” Chris says, turning away. The tips of his ears are also red.</p><p>They finish packing up, and head back to the dorms, masks and caps on, jackets tugged tightly around themselves.</p><p>Neither of them say a single word until they’re back, and by then, Felix is ready to just call it a night and pretend that conversation never happened.</p><p>Before Felix can say goodnight to Chris’ retreating back, Chris turns around.</p><p>“So,” Chris says, leaning against the stairs to his bunk, “all I had to do was ask?”</p><p>Felix scratches at his chin distractedly, feeling a little called out. “Yeah,” he says in a mumble. He feels bad about not telling him the real reason, but his self-preservation instincts are working overtime, sirens blaring, telling him<em> don’t do it.</em></p><p>The corner of Chris’ mouth lifts in a tiny smile. “Alright then. Wanna cuddle in my bunk until we both fall asleep or I end up kicking you back to your bed?”</p><p>“Really?” Felix says, almost tripping over himself in surprise.</p><p>“Really,” Chris says. “I gotta know what I’m missing out on, here.”</p><p>Felix laughs. “Yes,” he says, heart seizing with fondness, “sure. I want the side closest to the wall.”</p><p>It’s not difficult, fitting the both of them into Chris’ bunk. Once Chris has rearranged a couple of the pillows, it’s second nature to fold himself into Chris’ arms and slide his own around Chris’ waist. He’s build so solidly that it feels like hugging a very comfortable heater.</p><p>Chris tips his head down until his cheek’s resting against the top of Felix’s head. “I see why you like it so much,” he murmurs. “It’s nice with you.”</p><p>Not just, ‘it’s nice.’</p><p>
  <em>It’s nice with you.</em>
</p><p>Felix wriggles up a bit to give his feet a bit more space, nose catching on the curve of Chris’ jaw. “Sorry,” he mumbles, and Chris just hums. This close, he can feel the soft rumble through his chest. Felix pretends he’s only shivering because it’s the bunk nearest to the air-conditioning.</p><p>“Hey,” Chris suddenly says. “Is… is this okay?”</p><p>
  <em>Are we okay?</em>
</p><p>“What—cuddling? Yeah, of course it is. Didn’t we just talk about it?” Felix asks, feeling a little embarrassed about going through the same conversation again. He wants to hide in Chris’ shirt forever.</p><p>"Yeah, I know, I just—I thought that..." Chris says, sounding pensive, "I dunno, I still just thought that maybe you just… didn’t <em>trust</em> me, or something..."</p><p>Felix tucks his face against Chris' shoulder, wishing the motion would soothe both the sudden ache in his chest and in Chris' words. "I trust you. I've always trusted you," he whispers, "I just didn't know if I was allowed to. With you."</p><p>Chris' hand comes up to rest on the back of Felix's neck, stroking the fine hairs at his nape gently. "Of course you can," Chris says softly, "any time. Always." There’s an infinitesimal tremble in his voice that Felix wants to swallow up and hold in his chest, this tiny, intangible piece of evidence that he’s not the only one who feels<em> something.</em></p><p>He wants something too, Chris does. Felix just doesn’t know what it is just yet.</p><p>Felix shuts his eyes and lets himself drift off to the sound of Chris' heartbeat and the feeling of his fingers playing with Felix's hair, the tide caressing the shore.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>5.</p><p>At twelve o’clock sharp on the 15th of September, Jisung kicks the door to his room open, slaps the hand that Felix hastily throws up, and shouts, “Birthday pass!”</p><p>“It’s midnight!” comes a voice from down the hall.</p><p>Jisung ignores whoever it is and grins with all his teeth showing. “Finally,” he says, “I was getting tired of waiting for you to catch up.”</p><p>“One whole day,” Felix says, hand over his heart, “you had to wait for <em>so long.”</em></p><p>“The anticipation was killing me,” Jisung says dramatically.</p><p>“You know what else will kill you?” Felix motions towards the still-open door. “Chan-hyung, if you don’t go to bed right now.”</p><p>Jisung waves him off. “I’m too wired to sleep right now,” he says, bouncing back on his heels. “I’m gonna go play Among Us with some friends before he realises I’m still awake.”</p><p>“Have fun,” Felix says. “Thanks for the birthday wish.”</p><p>Jisung doesn’t move.</p><p>Felix blinks at him.</p><p>Jisung coughs, holding out his arms.</p><p>Ah. Right. Felix stands and steps straight into Jisung’s arms, letting Jisung wrap his arms around him so tightly he almost loses his breath. But it’s perfect. It’s absolutely perfect.</p><p>Jisung’s hugs are always snug, even if they’re just nothing but the light encircling of his arms and a pat on the back. They’re even better when he loosens up and melts into the person he’s hugging, shoulders getting small, face pressed against their shoulder.</p><p>“Happy birthday, Yongboks,” Jisung mumbles into his shirt, petting his hair once before letting go. “Goodnight!”</p><p>“Night,” Felix says, smiling so wide his face hurts.</p><p>He rolls back into his bunk once Jisung’s left, and smushes his cheek against his pillow, already feeling warm and remembered. He wonders what the morning will bring him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em>Felix,</em> reads a comment, <em>what’s your wish for your present?</em></p><p>Comments on VLIVE always speed past at such ridiculously quick speeds. Felix can barely catch a quarter of them most of the time. Maybe this time he’d just been lucky, or the chat had slowed enough just in that moment, but he manages to spot that one in time before it zips out of range.</p><p>“If you mean physically—like, receiving a present, um.” Felix hums, pressing his fingertips to his mouth. “I already received one. Uh, so… which is… which is? I dunno.” The only thing that really stands out from his day is—“Hugs? I got some hugs today.”</p><p>Jisung had been the first, but he hadn’t been the only one. He’d gotten a hug from Changbin first thing in the morning upon waking up, just passing the edge of Changbin’s bed to get to the door when Changbin’s foot had shot out to stop him from leaving. He’d patted the side of his mattress, asking Felix to come over, and had given him a warm, sleepy hug before going back to sleep.</p><p>Next had been Hyunjin, tackling him in the corridor with a loud, “Yongbokkie!” as he made his way to the kitchen. He’d almost tripped them both right off their feet, but they’d just narrowly escaped smashing their faces into the wall. Felix had let Hyunjin hold him close until someone’s alarm started to blare from two doors away.</p><p>He’d been the one to hug Jeongin, a familiar, comfortably warm back-hug standing by the sink, but Jeongin had turned around in his arms and hugged him right back, hooking his chin over his shoulder.</p><p>Felix had thought it’d be the last of them, until Minho gave him a hug moments before they were bundled into their cars for that day’s schedules, and Seungmin shuffled over in the back-seat to throw his arms around him.</p><p>And Chris—Chris had just tugged him in with one arm, ruffled his hair and cheerily said, “Happy birthday, sunshine!”</p><p>Felix hasn’t stopped thinking about that last one the entire day.</p><p>“The members were very, uh,” Felix says, feeling a smile curl the corners of his lips upwards, “very comfy today! Everyone just kept hugging—or, like, everyone hugged me, or I hugged them back, and they received my hugs, so yeah. It felt good.”</p><p>It had felt more than good. It had felt great.</p><p>They’d kept on hugging him the entire day. Between practices, during their schedule, back in the dorm. None of them had even pushed him away or side-stepped him if he tried to initiate one instead. Felix has been running on a high since the morning began, intoxicated with overwhelming affection from the members and the fans both. It’s one of the best birthdays he’s had in a while.</p><p>He sees a couple of comments in Korean asking what he’d said, and he switches immediately, not wanting anyone to feel left out. “The birthday presents I received today were a lot of hugs from the members, and a lot of skinship. I really like that.” He beams at the camera, motioning with his hand. “The members… sometimes they like that stuff, sometimes they don’t. But they did it as a special gift for me today. So I really liked it.”</p><p>The comments are, as expected, packed to the brim with delight at his mini-revelation.</p><p>Felix smiles, reading through as many as he can before he decides—maybe he should sing something for everyone watching. His own gift, for them.</p><p>So he does. He shares a couple of songs he likes, doesn’t think too hard about what he must sound like singing alone in an empty room on the fifth floor, and squashes down the nervous jitters at letting the fans hear his voice, his voice that he’s still not super confident about.</p><p>He’s not a singer. Hell, he’s not quite a rapper either, not the way Changbin or Jisung are—but he still wants to give it his best shot, both singing and rapping. He’s been practicing hard, whether it be during vocal lessons with their vocal teacher or personal training sessions in a closet-sized room or in the shower when no one else is home.</p><p>And then, Chris calls him.</p><p>It takes everything in him to stay upright and composed in front of hundreds and thousands of viewers, but even then he can’t help the way he laughs, hysterical and embarrassed by Chris’ words. Chris tells him how good he’s done, and then tells him that he’d been watching, and then tells him that he could hear him outside, and by then Felix feels like he’s running a fever, completely burning up to the touch.</p><p>It’s everything he’d needed, especially when Chris pokes his head in some time later to give him a little round of applause before disappearing again.</p><p>Felix spends the rest of the livestream with an even bigger smile than he’d started with, and by the time it’s wrapped up, he’s giddy with contentment from a birthday well-spent.</p><p>The door cracks open, and Chris’ hand wraps around the edge before his head pops into view. “Hey,” he says in greeting, “you’re finished?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Felix says, spinning around in his swivel chair, still grinning. “Thanks for that, for earlier. I really—I wasn’t expecting it at all. I didn’t even know you were still there.”</p><p>“C’mon. What have I told you?” Chris closes the door behind him, and leans back against it, looking pleased. “I’ve always got your back.”</p><p>“I know,” Felix says. “I know.”</p><p>Chris smiles, and holds his arms out. “Up for one last birthday hug?”</p><p>Felix beams, and it’s just a hop up from his seat, and a light bounce on his heel as he happily steps across the small studio and right into Chris’ arms—</p><p>—and Chris picks him up like he weighs absolutely nothing at all, one hand lifting him by the underside of his leg, the other arm curled around his waist. Felix loses his breath instantly the moment he’s lifted, his own arms flying around Chris’ shoulders to cling to him. Chris’ broad shoulders, Chris’ thick arms holding him up, Chris’ wiry strength.</p><p>Felix is horribly, horrendously glad that he doesn’t accidentally let out a single sound.</p><p>He doesn’t want to let go. He doesn’t want Chris to let him go.</p><p>Chris finally lowers him back to the ground, but he doesn’t let Felix go immediately. He runs his hands down Felix’s back, and then up again, before pulling back.</p><p>And then, out of nowhere, Chris tilts his head, gently cups Felix’s chin with one hand, and presses a kiss to Felix’s cheek, sweet and soft. “Happy birthday,” he murmurs as he straightens back up, running his thumb over where he’s left the invisible imprint of his mouth. Felix is too stunned by the motion to respond, his spine lit up like he’s been struck by lightning. His entire body feels heavy with sudden, desperate want. He wants—</p><p>“Chris,” he says, tongue feeling like lead. “You—”</p><p>Chris’ cheeks are flushed. His hand is still placed along the curve of Felix’s jaw. “I know how much you like skinship,” he says, words rushed and embarrassed like he’s been thinking about what to say for a while, “and you’ve been getting hugs the entire day, and—I just thought maybe… maybe you’d like. Something different. Just a bit… more—than usual. Y’know.”</p><p>Felix breathes. In, out. In, out. He wonders if Chris has noticed how red he must have turned too. It’s just a peck on the cheek, he tells himself. Stop making it a big deal. Calm down.</p><p>“Was… was that alright? M’sorry, I should’ve asked first—” Chris is saying, looking concerned by Felix’s drawn-out silence.</p><p>Felix shakes his head, one hand curling into Chris’ shirt. “It was fine. It was more than fine.” He feels light-headed, almost giddy. “I liked it. Thank you.” He allows himself to smile, finally embracing the fluttery, shy emotions drifting up his throat.</p><p>Chris looks away, clearing his throat. “I—” he says, voice tiny, “I’m glad.”</p><p>“As long as you’re not just giving those away to everyone,” Felix adds, also avoiding Chris’ eyes as he tries to make light of the situation. Hoping he doesn’t come off as obvious as he feels.</p><p>“No,” Chris says, oddly honest. “Just you.”</p><p>The words strike a nerve in Felix.</p><p>
  <em>Just you.</em>
</p><p>He wants it to be more true than it is.</p><p>“Right.” Chris clears his throat. “Should we head back to the dorm?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Felix steps back, feeling exposed and vulnerable. “Yeah, let’s.”</p><p>As they get their things, lock up after themselves, and prepare to walk the short road back home, Felix can’t help but replay the night’s events in his mind. Chris complimenting him, Chris picking him up, Chris giving him that ki—</p><p>Felix swallows hard, and rubs at his face. He can’t keep hoping, wishing, craving for something he doesn’t know he’ll ever get. Not like this. He can’t.</p><p>Chris’ hand brushes against his as they keep pace.</p><p>Felix can’t.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>6.</p><p>He gets to go home.</p><p>It’s been months, almost close to a year and a half, since his feet touched the ground down south. The air tastes the same. The skies look the same. Everything’s the same.</p><p>Felix is the one who feels different, coming back.</p><p>“Excited to finally perform here again?” Seungmin leans against Felix’s shoulder, glancing out the window of the van. “It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?”</p><p>“Really long.” Felix drinks in the sights that speed by. Familiar shops, the shape of streets, names of places and road signs that aren’t in Korean. There’s something buzzing under his skin, the sheer delight that comes with being back home, being able to see his entire family again even if it’s just for a week.</p><p>And, Chris. He’s home too.</p><p>He’s two seats away from Felix, next to Minho. Staring out the window the same way he is, yearning and nostalgic and a little lost. The tiniest hint of a smile that you wouldn’t be able to see unless you knew what you were looking for. He’s missed home too, Felix knows.</p><p>“Chan-hyung,” he calls, and Chris glances over. “We’re home.”</p><p>Chris’ smile turns big and genuine. “Yeah,” he says in English. “We are.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They’re assigned the same room to make logistics easier, since the both of them will be staying back for a few more days than everyone else, the company taking pity on them not being able to go home throughout last year’s lockdown.</p><p>Sharing a room isn’t anything new. They already share one back in Seoul, but it’s different with a third person around. This just reminds Felix of the week they’d stayed alone together in the dorms just last year over the holidays. Just the two of them, no one else.</p><p>Felix dumps his bag on the floor and throws himself onto the bed, all his limbs outstretched. The bed groans and creaks unhappily beneath him, making him go ramrod still, still in starfish mode. “I think these springs are a little old.”</p><p>Chris snorts, dropping his duffel bag onto his bed a little more gently than Felix had done with his own. “Don’t break it before the first night,” he chastises, but it’s in jest. “I don’t think the company will pay for a second mattress.”</p><p>Felix tilts his head, looking at Chris upside down. “I’ll just go back to my own house,” he says, almost considering it for real, “sleep in my own bed.”</p><p>“Yeah, and who’s gonna drive you up to the concert hall?” Chris leans over to jab a finger into Felix’s incredibly ticklish side, making him squirm and giggle involuntarily. “Not me.”</p><p>Once his laughter’s subsided, Felix laces his fingers together and pushes himself up, until he’s sitting crosslegged on the bed. “Do you have your license?”</p><p>Chris starts unpacking his things for later. Black sweater, black beanie, black jeans. Felix doesn’t know what else he expected. “I do, but it’s my Korean one,” he says. “Mum says I’ve got to renew my IDL while we’re here—we’re heading down to Hurstville on Monday to go pick it up. We’re lucky that we get to stay a little longer this time around.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Felix lets out a little breath, looking out the window. He aches to go out, to see the sights he’s missed in the months he hasn’t been back. “I’m really glad.”</p><p>When he turns back, Chris is looking at him, expression schooled into something a little fonder than usual. “Me too,” he says softly. “I know you’ve missed home a lot.”</p><p>“I can’t have been the only one,” Felix says pointedly. “I think you’ve sent us about a thousand photos of Berry in the last year.”</p><p>Chris perks up. “Oh, I can’t wait to see her again,” he chirps, his excitement apparent in the way he curls his hands and shakes them minutely, “my little baby Berry. Lucas and Hannah too, of course, but—Berry!”</p><p>Felix flops back onto the bed. “I wanna see Berry again too,” he says sullenly, feeling a bit of a pout come on. His parents still won’t let his sisters get a dog, even though the three of them have been collectively begging for one for years (Felix too, even though he’s thousands of miles away and would likely only see the dog a handful of times a year).</p><p>“Then come over,” Chris replies. “S’not like you haven’t been over before, anyway.”</p><p>Felix glances up. “Really?”</p><p>“Yeah, really.” Chris sits down beside Felix, tugging his phone out of his pocket to open up his Google Maps. “Your place isn’t that far from mine. Seven Hills is only… oh, half an hour out.”</p><p>“Thereabouts,” Felix says, immediately cheering up at the suggestion. “You think my parents will let me?”</p><p>“Dude. Invite your family too. Pretty sure my parents would be happy to have ‘em over.” Chris scrolls through his WhatsApp chats. Felix cranes his neck to look over Chris’ arm. “I’m pretty sure they have their own groupchat to complain about the both of us.”</p><p>Felix watches Chris open up his family group chat, where the last message had been a <em>‘going to hotel now ttyl’</em> from Chris, followed by a <em>‘hv a safe trip’</em> from his mother. Chris’ fingers move quickly across the screen as he types out a simple <em>‘at hotel now’</em> and <em>‘can we have felix and his fam over on tues?’</em></p><p>The reply comes quicker than he expects. <em>‘Tuesday ur aunt n uncle coming over for dinner,’</em> Chris’ dad says. <em>‘Lunch ok?’</em></p><p>Felix already has his own phone out. <em>‘Chris and his parents are inviting all of us over for lunch on Tuesday can we go I want to see Berry please please please’ </em>he sends, and adds a cute sticker for emphasis.</p><p>His little sister chimes in instantly with a sticker of a screaming Kermit. <em>‘PUPPY!!!!!’</em> says her text, and nothing else.</p><p>Felix relates. He really does.</p><p>Chris leans closer to Felix, propping one elbow up on the bed as he lies down beside him. “What even is that sticker?” he laughs, amused.</p><p>“I think she made that one herself.” <em>Dad is typing…</em> says the chat. “She has a lot of good ones.”</p><p>There’s a ping. Felix pumps his fist in the air. “Yes,” he whoops, “they said yes!”</p><p>“Felix said lunch is good,” Chris repeats to himself as he types, “thanks, dad. Alright, we’re good to go, then!”</p><p>Felix shifts a little to rest his head against Chris’ forearm. “Thanks,” he says, glancing up at Chris with a smile.</p><p>“You’re always welcome.” Chris reaches up and flicks his nose playfully. “The pup’s a popular girl.”</p><p>“Only part of the reason I wanna visit,” Felix admits, glancing away as he rubs at the tip of his nose, hoping Chris doesn’t notice the slight blush that’s rising on his cheeks.</p><p>“Yeah? What’s the other reason?”</p><p>Felix plucks at Chris’ sleeve absentmindedly. “I get to spend time with you.”</p><p>Chris’ face completely betrays his surprise. “You’re not tired of seeing me literally every single day of your life already?”</p><p>“No,” Felix admits. “Never.”</p><p>Chris looks like he’s about to say something, but he bites his lip, and gently tugs his arm out from under Felix instead. “We should get ready for dinner soon, huh?”</p><p>Felix’s eyes fall on the line of his back as he stretches and gets back up, moving back towards his side of the bed. He wonders if it’s what he said. He wonders if it’s what Chris wants to say.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>That night, Chris streams Chan’s Room from the comfort of their shared hotel room.</p><p>He starts off with his usual introduction, and then mentions that he’ll be having a special guest on. “Can you guess who?” he asks, smiling as he tugs at his beanie absently.</p><p>The comments flood with calls of Felix’s name across his phone screen.</p><p>“Wow! A lot of good guesses there. Stray Kids. My dad. Hugh Jackman?” Chris laughs. “What in the world? Aw, no, I’m sorry, Berry’s not the special guest either. Ready to find out who it is?”</p><p>He mimes a drum-roll, and glances over to where Felix is hiding.</p><p>Felix chooses that moment to pop up, shouting, “It’s me!”</p><p>“It’s him!” Chris cheers. “Our special guest tonight is Stray Kids’ very own—and Sydney’s very own—Lee Felix, everybody!”</p><p>Felix waves for the camera, smiling like an idiot.</p><p>V-LIVEs are fun, but V-LIVEs with Chris are especially fun. They play a bunch of songs, they read comments, they tell some stories about the members (before they can burst into the room and get back at them for telling said stories), and read more comments. Felix is especially enthralled by the number of comments from people within the country, all of them saying how excited they are to watch them perform live tomorrow after so long.</p><p>Funnily enough, there are also a ton of comments saying the same thing, like <em>‘aussie line’,</em> and<em> ‘hojus’,</em> and <em>‘chanlix soulmates’.</em> Felix wonders what that last one is about.</p><p>In the end, he doesn’t even have to ask. A comment speeds past quicker than lightning, almost eaten up by the thousands of other comments, but Felix catches it with the tip of his finger and scrolls back up to find it again.</p><p>“Hey Felix,” he reads, breath catching in his throat, “did you know Chan called you his soulmate once?”</p><p>He glances up at Chris, who looks like a deer caught in headlights for the briefest of moments, before he’s schooling his face into a grin. “Yeah,” he says, voice a bit pitchy, “I mean, you are. Like… you know everything about me. And we connect super well. That’s why.”</p><p>“That’s…” Felix says, putting his hands over his heart. It’s beating faster than ever. He hopes none of the fans notice. “That’s really sweet, Chan-hyung.”</p><p>
  <em>Soulmates, huh.</em>
</p><p>Chris ruffles his hair, not meeting his eyes, and leans back in to continue reading comments.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He thinks about it throughout the rest of the night, and into the next day too. He’s distracted all throughout filming during the afternoon, and Changbin even asks him at lunch if he’s doing alright.</p><p>Felix is alright. Felix is fine.</p><p>
  <em>Felix just needs to know for sure.</em>
</p><p>And if that’s it—he’ll resign himself to a life of pining over Chris forever. To making sure he keeps on smiling, even if Felix isn’t the cause of that smile. To just be there.</p><p>But he has to know. It’s an ache that won’t subside, the thought that’s kept him up at night for nights on end.</p><p>And so, when they’re back in their hotel room later, getting a last bit of free time in before they’re off to perform, Felix sits up on his bed and asks, “Did you mean it?”</p><p>Chris glances up from where he’s tapping at his phone, sitting semi-crosslegged on his own mattress. “What?”</p><p>Felix clears his throat, making himself meet Chris’ eyes. “When you said I was your soulmate.”</p><p>There’s a lingering pause. “Yeah, ‘course,” Chris says, looking surprised that Felix is asking. “Of course I did.”</p><p>A deep breath. “How did you mean it?”</p><p>The silence is much more tangible than before. Chris locks his phone and lets it slide onto the bed, Twitter feed forgotten. “What d’you mean?” he asks carefully.</p><p>“How did you mean it,” Felix repeats, making sure every single word is clear. That Chris knows exactly what he’s asking. And—he can tell that Chris does. The way his eyes widen a little, the way his Adam’s apple bobs in his throat when he swallows. “Did you mean it like a friend? Or a brother?” Felix curls his fingers into the bedspread, and exhales. “Or—or something else?”</p><p>Please, <em>please.</em></p><p>For once in a long time, Chris looks afraid. “Felix,” Chris says, voice wavering. “You don’t know what you’re asking.”</p><p>“I know,” Felix says. “Of course I know. I’m not a child.”</p><p>“That’s not what I’m <em>saying—”</em></p><p>A jolt of boldness takes over Felix. Feeling possessed by a spirit that doesn’t feel like his, Felix pushes himself up, takes two strides, and catches Chris’ wrist as he slides into Chris’ lap. His sweatpants catch on Chris’ shorts, pushing them up as he hooks one leg over Chris’ knee, making sure that Chris can’t just push him off.</p><p>The moment he comes back to his senses, he can’t help but think, <em>holy shit, what the fuck did I just do?</em></p><p>Almost on instinct, Chris’ hand goes to Felix’s hip, his other hand rendered useless in Felix’s tight grip. “Felix,” he whispers, looking torn between asking him to move back and pulling him in closer. His gaze falls onto Felix’s mouth, and his eyes get a little dark.</p><p><em>Oh,</em> Felix thinks. He knows for sure, now.</p><p>"What do I have to do," Felix says slowly, "to get you to look at me?"</p><p>Chris lets out a sharp exhale, eyes flitting back up to meet Felix’s. “What?”</p><p>Felix licks his lips. “I don’t want to be your little brother, Chris,” he says.</p><p>He wants to be so much more than just that.</p><p>Chris tugs his hand out of Felix’s grasp, and lets it fall on Felix’s shoulder. “You’re not just a little brother to me, Felix,” he says softly, words shaky like he can’t believe he’s saying them. “You haven’t been for a long time.”</p><p>“Then? What am I?” Felix feels frayed, worn out. “Please. Tell me.”</p><p>The hand on his shoulder moves up to his face, warm and secure. Chris runs his thumb along the line of Felix’s cheekbone and whispers, “I don’t want to be selfish.” He stops, and takes a breath. What comes next is the most honest, most vulnerable that Felix has ever heard him. “I want to tell you, but I’m just so scared.”</p><p>“Then, don’t be.”</p><p>Chris stares at him like he can’t believe Felix has just said that. “I can’t just—you don’t get it, Felix. I’m scared of losing you.”</p><p>“You won’t lose me. You won’t. Just <em>be</em> selfish.”</p><p>
  <em>“I’m not allowed to be selfish, Felix.”</em>
</p><p>“You are. You <em>can.</em> Just once.” Felix curls a hand into Chris’ shirt, shaking him like it’ll make him listen. “Just this one time, Chris.”</p><p>“It’s not gonna be just once. You’re it for me, Felix.” Chris’ voice cracks down the middle of a broken laugh. He looks absolutely, completely devastated, and it’s all because of Felix. “This—these feelings. They’re never gonna disappear.”</p><p>Felix sucks in a breath, mouth dry with apprehension. “What makes you think mine are ever gonna go away either?”</p><p>These everlasting, never-ending, eternal feelings, churning in his chest. He doesn’t know how he’d ever gone a day without knowing what they’d felt like. It’s not like breathing, not quite—it’s the warmth of the sun against his skin every single time he steps out the door. It’s the expectation of water against his skin every time he sticks his hand into drizzle. It’s knowing what it feels like to look at another person and wanting nothing more than for them to be loved.</p><p>Felix knows.</p><p>“You mean it,” Chris says, seeing something in Felix’s eyes, maybe. He’s looking at Felix like he’s finally catching onto what Felix is trying to tell him. “You mean it?”</p><p>“I mean it,” Felix whispers, pushing their foreheads together. He’s so close, so close. “Of course I mean it. Chris. Don’t you?”</p><p>“I mean it more than anything in the world.” Chris’ eyes almost flutter shut as Felix slowly, hesitantly leans in. Felix can feel his breath against his cheek. “Felix—”</p><p>Someone raps on the door, quick and firm.</p><p>Felix and Chris scramble apart immediately, almost falling off the bed. “Yeah?” Chris calls, sounding a little hoarse.</p><p>“We’re leaving for rehearsal soon,” their manager calls through the door. “Meet outside in ten minutes.”</p><p>“Okay,” Chris responds, rubbing at his face wearily.</p><p>“Yes, hyung,” Felix calls. He feels like he’s been abruptly dunked into a vat of cold water. It’s not a good feeling.</p><p>Their manager must move onto the next room after that, because there’s nothing else.</p><p>Felix looks up at Chris, who looks a little regretful. “I—” he starts, and for a moment, Felix’s heart sinks, thinking he’s about to say that he regrets saying anything at all, but Chris continues, “I wish we had more time.”</p><p>“Me too,” Felix says quietly.</p><p>Chris comes back over to him, and presses his palm to Felix’s cheek. “I don’t want to lose you,” he repeats, voice quivery.</p><p>Felix reaches up to hold his wrist, stroking over the back of Chris’ hand.</p><p>There’s so much more to say, if Chris would just say it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Everything’s normal from there, as much as normal can be.</p><p>It’s off to rehearsal, and it’s a flurry of make-up, outfits, practice and running the others through their English for when they speak to the fans later. Felix’s head spins with the activity, but he loves it. There’s nothing more he loves than performing.</p><p>Well. Besides the obvious.</p><p>Chris is in leader mode as usual, making sure everything’s prepared and everyone’s ready. He doesn’t spare a glance for Felix unless it’s for something he needs help with, and even then it’s cursory, Chris fixing the problem and then moving to the next thing immediately.</p><p>Felix admires him for it, the way he’s able to switch between his two defaults so effortlessly. Felix doesn’t think he could ever.</p><p>But—right before they’re about to ascend the stairs to go up onto the stage, Chris steps over to Felix, and under the guise of fixing his earring, murmurs, “M’sorry.”</p><p>Felix frowns. “What are you apologising for?”</p><p>“For not realising earlier.” Chris gives him a little smile. “For being an idiot.”</p><p>“If you’re an idiot, so am I.”</p><p>Their stage director gives them the signal. They’re on in thirty seconds.</p><p>“I’ll tell you,” Chris suddenly says, hands falling from where they’d been messing with Felix’s earring. “I’ll tell you everything. I just—I needed to know that I wouldn’t lose you.”</p><p>Felix grabs Chris’ wrist, and says, voice low and earnest, “You won’t lose me.”</p><p>Chris looks at him, wide-eyed and lost and scared and hopeful all in one.</p><p>“I promise,” Felix whispers, all of those same things swirling up inside himself too.</p><p>Chris’ hand catches Felix’s and squeezes, just once.</p><p>The moment passes, and they step out to the sound of a thousand cheers.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It takes everything from him.</p><p>The concert is one of the most exhausting they’ve done, from giving 200% during every single stage to keeping his emotions in check every single time he looks out into the crowd and remembers where he is, who he’s performing in front of, how incredible it is that they got to come back here and do it all over again two years later.</p><p>The last song fades, and then it’s time for ments.</p><p>Felix has rehearsed what he wants to say over and over, but he still gets tongue-tied just thinking about having his family and friends hear him speak so earnestly.</p><p>One by one the members go, from Changbin to Seungmin to Jisung to Hyunjin to Minho and to Jeongin, until it’s Felix’s turn.</p><p>He grips his microphone tight, the lights blindingly bright above him, and he says, “I’ve never felt so happy to be back in Sydney before.”</p><p>The crowd’s cheers seem to get even louder than before. It’s amazing. Felix wonders if their screams could blow out the roof of the concert hall.</p><p>“I think everyone’s said what I’ve also wanted to say—and I’m just so happy to be back.” Felix swallows, and glances out to where he thinks his family might be sitting. His parents, his sisters. “I just want to say a few more things.”</p><p>The fans listen, enraptured as he speaks, cheering at certain places whenever he mentions the locality, or whenever he mentions how grateful he is for the fans. Across the stage, the rest of the members watch him with fond looks.</p><p>Especially Chris, who looks like there’s something he really,<em> really</em> wants to say.</p><p>So finally, when Felix passes the time over to Chris, he’s half-expecting Chris to say all the things he’d said at the first concert. How much he’s missed it here, how grateful he is for the members.</p><p>He does. He thanks the members, he thanks the staff, he thanks his family and friends.</p><p>And then—</p><p>“Sydney is, and always will be our home,” Chris says, happy and breathless, and the crowd is equally overjoyed, cheering so loudly that the roof feels like it’ll collapse in on them, “and I’ve missed it so much. I know Felix also misses home a lot—but I’m just so grateful to have Felix, y’know. He’s my home whenever we’re not back here.”</p><p>Felix’s ears burn up. Beside him, Jisung is making the <em>oh god, Chan-hyung is going to wax poetic about Felix yet again face.</em></p><p>“But, I just have a few last things to say, about Felix—to Felix.” Chris whips back around to search out Felix’s gaze across the stage, and he holds it as he says, “We’ve spoken a lot about things that are important to both of us.”</p><p>
  <em>What do I have to do, to get you to look at me?</em>
</p><p>“And yet, there are still so… so many things I want to tell you.”</p><p>
  <em>You haven’t been for a long time.</em>
</p><p>“And… I’ve always just been worried. About everything.”</p><p>
  <em>I don’t want to be selfish.</em>
</p><p>“I told you to always find me—and that I wasn’t ever gonna leave you behind. And—it turns out… you didn’t have to. You were the one who never left me behind. So I just wanna say thank you, Felix. And,” he says, tremulous and jagged, his words a landslide battering down on him from all sides, “I want to tell you that I love you.”</p><p>Everything stops. And then, half a second later, Felix finally catches up to the rest of the world.</p><p>It’s not <em>I love your freckles,</em> or <em>I love the way you always try your best,</em> or <em>I love this song too.</em></p><p>It’s <em>I love you.</em></p><p>The crowd surges with loud cheers and calls of their names, but Felix can only hear those three words in the shape of Chris’ voice, reverberating across the venue for everyone to hear. Their fans, their members, their friends and families.</p><p>And Chris—Chris is looking at him with all the adoration in the world, the same way he’d looked at Felix in the hotel room hours earlier, the same way he’d looked at Felix when he said, <em>I want to tell you, but I’m just so scared.</em></p><p>
  <em>Then, don’t be.</em>
</p><p>Chris, who’s no longer scared.</p><p>He breaks instantly, turning away from Chris, turning away from everyone watching him crumble in this ridiculously vulnerable moment that no one else realises is happening beneath the fragile guise of gratefulness for a bandmate. Jisung’s already grasping at his elbow to hold him up as he keels over, hiding his face in his already-wet sleeve. A towel’s shoved in his direction and he blindly fumbles for it, not wanting anyone to see the way he’s sobbing like there’s no tomorrow, all because of three simple words.</p><p>Three tiny little words that mean a hundred thousand more.</p><p>“Don’t cry, don’t cry,” Changbin is saying lightly, and the crowd is also chanting the same amidst some teary calls and encouraging shouts. Felix shakes his head and sucks in a deep breath, trying to steady himself. It’s fine. No one knows what they’re really saying to each other. No one is any the wiser. “We love you too!”</p><p>“M’not crying,” Felix mumbles into his microphone, knowing he probably sounds absolutely pathetic, wibbling like a kitten that can’t stand on its own feet. “I just—” he hiccups, “I wasn’t gonna—”</p><p>Jisung ruffles his hair, and Hyunjin’s rubbing his back soothingly, and somewhere across the stage, Minho is saying, “Is it just Chan-hyung’s mission to make him bawl every time they come back here?”</p><p>Felix rubs at his nose, inhales, and lifts the microphone to his mouth again, still not looking up at anyone. “I’m not crying,” he says, and there are a few scattered laughs from the fans. “I just really want to say—we found each other. And I’ll always b-be so thankful for that. I love you too, Chris.” He doesn’t even realise that he’s forgotten to call him Chan until Seungmin’s idly commenting on it to Jeongin, their words turning into a wash of noise against the backdrop of fans. “I always have. You know that. You’ve always known that.”</p><p>Abruptly, there’s another frenzied howl of ‘don’t cry!’ and ‘aww’s from the crowd, and even from the members too. Felix whips his head up to catch a glimpse of Chris pressing his palms to his eyes, turning away from them—and he’s crying too. He’s crying despite the bright smile on his face, big fat tears trailing down his cheeks under the bright beam of the stage-lights, and it’s just like their first concert here all over again, the both of them weepy and emotional in front of everyone.</p><p>Except this time, it’s not just because they’re home.</p><p>Felix stands up, legs wobbly, and watches Changbin almost strangle Chris in a one-armed hug, watches Jeongin cling to Chris cutely from the side, watches Chris rub at his own face with the back of the hand still holding a microphone.</p><p>This time, it’s because they’ve found home in each other.</p><p>It’s certain, this time.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They wrap up shortly after the ment with their last few encores, and are ushered off the stage with raucous cheers and shouts for one more song. The fatigue of performing on little-to-no sleep and blubbering his eyes out in front of everyone is starting to settle into Felix’s bones, and Seungmin allows him to sling an arm over his shoulders as they make their way down the stairs and back to their dressing room.</p><p>He’s barely steady on his feet, the entire memory of the concert now a blur, events and faces spinning together into one unstoppable whirl of motion. The only constant is still Chris—Chris who looks just as tired as he does, trudging along behind them with a content smile, but looking more exhausted than he usually does after a concert.</p><p>As they’re about to turn the corner into the dressing room, Chris calls his name.</p><p>Felix whips around, almost stumbling over himself, and Seungmin gives them both a quick, knowing glance before moving to join the rest of the group, ushering them past without a second thought.</p><p>“Felix,” Chris repeats, and they step towards each other almost on autopilot, before stopping. They’re just a few feet apart. Chris is right there. Felix could just go to him right now. “What I said—what you said—”</p><p>“I know,” Felix says, “I know. You don’t have to—I just—”</p><p>“You’re—” Chris starts, but the rest of the words don’t come, and Felix waits, just watching the way Chris breathes, in and out, like he’s steadying himself for something. “I want to—”</p><p>“Chris!”</p><p>A small, bright voice rings out from down the hallway, and both of them have barely turned to see who it is before Chris is being tackled by his little brother, making him falter.</p><p>Felix is swept up by his own family members too, and the tears from earlier threaten to spill over yet again as they take turns embracing him, telling him how well he’d done, talking about how they’d missed seeing him perform.</p><p>He’s wanted this for so long, to have them see him. To be proud of him.</p><p>Yet, his attention keeps straying to Chris, who’s currently speaking with his mum a couple of feet away. Their eyes meet, and Chris gives him a tiny smile. A promise that they’ll finish whatever it is that’s been started today. A promise that they won’t end the night without making this complete.</p><p>“Felix,” comes his father’s voice, and Felix blinks, snapping back into reality. “You must be tired.”</p><p>“Ah,” Felix says, “yeah, I am, I guess. I was thinking I’d head back up to the hotel with Chris right after dinner, get some sleep.”</p><p>For some reason, his parents glance over at Chris’ parents, who seem to have overheard what he’d been saying, and are looking over at him intently.</p><p>Chris adds, “We’re both a bit tired from the whole thing.” Their eyes meet again. “It’s been a long day.”</p><p>“Of course. Of course.” Felix’s mum clasps his shoulder. “We should get the kids off to dinner soon, shouldn’t we.”</p><p>“And then the boys can head back to their room.”</p><p>Both their parents trade looks again, and there’s something odd about the way they’re focusing on Felix and Chris both. He doesn’t know what it is. He’s too exhausted to puzzle it out.</p><p>“Shall we?” Chris says cheerfully, and that’s all the word they need to round up the rest of the members, their managers and their staff, once they’ve changed out of their concert outfits and into less sweaty, less sticky, more comfortable clothes.</p><p>Dinner is full of chatter, the other members filling up the spaces that Felix leaves as he wordlessly chews at his food, thinks about all that’s happened both onstage and off, and pretends he's not looking over at Chris who's sitting a table away with their parents, one of their managers, and Jisung.</p><p>“Yo,” Hyunjin says, knocking their elbows together lightly. “We’re gonna go raid the convenience store after this. Jeonginnie wants to bring back all the Australian candy he can fit into his suitcase.”</p><p>“You guys go ahead. M’gonna turn in early,” Felix says, and it’s almost instant, the way the rest of the table turns to him in unison. “I’m pretty worn out.”</p><p>“You? Not wanting to go?” Changbin eyes him suspiciously. “Are you meeting someone after this?”</p><p>“No,” Felix says, frowning. “It’s just gonna be Chan-hyung and I.”</p><p>“He’s not going either?”</p><p>“He’s tired,” Felix says. “I mean. We’re both pretty tired. We’re just going to sleep early.”</p><p>Across the table, Seungmin picks at some grilled meat with his chopsticks. “Do the both of you have anymore romantic confessions to make before the night’s over?” he queries.</p><p>Felix feels his face go red. “Shut it,” he whispers, and the rest of the kids cackle.</p><p>“We’ll bring some candy back for you,” Jeongin says, ever the kind one. “Maybe.” He takes it back.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After, when they’re all standing outside the restaurant, Chris comes over and motions towards the street. “Manager-hyung called an Uber,” he says. “We can head back first. I already let our parents know.”</p><p>“’Kay,” Felix says. He chews on his lip. “It’s just us?”</p><p>Chris gives him a tiny smile. “It’s just us.”</p><p>They’re escorted and trundled back to their hotel by one of their managers, who’s curious as to why they’re turning in this early, but doesn’t pry any further when Chris just says, “We’re just really tired, hyung.”</p><p>
  <em>Ding.</em>
</p><p>The elevator doors open, and their manager waves them ahead. “You two have the keycard?” he checks. Chris holds it up between two fingers. “Good. Go get some rest.”</p><p>Felix takes Chris' hand in his as they wave goodnight to their manager, tugging him towards their room without a single drop of patience left in his body, craving every last bit of contact he’s been missing since they last touched.</p><p>Chris follows obediently, still just as restrained as he’s been the entire night.</p><p>The door has barely closed behind them before finally, <em>finally</em> Felix staggers those last few steps forward, collapses, and folds himself into Chris' arms like he’d always meant to be here. To be held by him like this. Chris is warm and safe and familiar, and Felix doesn’t have any tears left in him at this point to even cry in relief, the tired, slow contentment filling him like a warm drink on a cold day.</p><p>Chris breathes him in, presses his face to the top of Felix's hair, runs his hands up and down Felix's back, whispers Felix’s name like it’s a prayer, devoted and undoubting.</p><p>Felix feels pieced together and whole for the first time in a long time.</p><p>Without another word, he tugs at Chris’ well-worn shirt, walking them both backwards until his knees hit the edge of the nearest bed—his bed, or Chris’ bed, it doesn’t matter. Felix lets himself fall back against the downy sheets, lets Chris shift them around until Chris is braced over Felix, his knees on either side of Felix’s waist, his arms framing Felix’s face, resting against the pillows.</p><p>Felix reaches out tentatively, one outstretched hand, and Chris’ eyes fall shut when Felix makes contact. His cheek, nestled within the curve of Felix’s palm, makes it all the more real for Felix. He can’t help but touch Chris the way he’s wanted to forever—feeling the cut of his jaw, the taut line of his neck, the broadness of his shoulders, the sturdy build of his chest under his hands.</p><p>“You’re here,” Felix says, voice escaping himself hoarsely, “you’re real.”</p><p>Chris opens his eyes, and smiles. “’Course,” he says, moving to catch one of Felix’s hands in his, slotting their fingers together. “Of course I’m here.”</p><p>He’s here. He’ll always be here, as long as Felix needs him.</p><p>Then, Chris asks, in a voice softer than Felix has ever heard him speak in before, “Can I kiss you?”</p><p>Felix exhales, gaze unwavering. “Yes,” he answers, heart pounding in his chest like a drum-beat getting quicker and quicker with each passing second. “Please.”</p><p>But Chris doesn't kiss Felix where he thinks he will.</p><p>Instead, Chris kisses everywhere else that he can reach—he starts with Felix’s forehead, chaste and sweet (the memory of a sleepless night), before moving down to press a kiss to one cheek (the memory of a birthday come and gone), and then the other. Felix’s eyes fall shut as Chris mouths at the corner of his mouth, not quite a proper kiss yet, and then moves to plant another on the tip of his nose.</p><p>He goes down, after—lips catching on Felix’s chin, moving up his jaw. Felix tilts his head, letting Chris drag his plush, warm mouth along his skin, leaving a kiss just under his ear. It feels good. It feels reverent. It feels like worship.</p><p>Chris trails kisses down Felix’s bared neck, open-mouthed and gentle and adulant. “You’re beautiful,” he whispers into Felix’s clavicle, leaving a kiss there too before angling up to nuzzle at his cheek, lips forming the words against his jaw, “I’ve thought about this for so long.” His palm is cradling Felix’s chin, and Felix turns his face to kiss at Chris’ fingers. The quiet sigh that escapes Chris makes Felix clutch at him, wanting to pull him closer, nearer, until there’s no space left between them. “I’ve wanted to love you like this for so long.”</p><p>“Chris,” Felix whispers, unraveling at the seams with need, fingers curling tighter into the front of Chris’ shirt, “please.”</p><p>A breath, two, and Chris finally catches Felix’s mouth with his, warm and sweet. Felix drinks him in, arches up into Chris’ solid, broad body, cards his fingers through Chris’ soft, messy hair, kisses back with three years worth of yearning. The floodgates have been kicked wide open; nothing’s holding Felix back now that he’s allowed to touch Chris like this—to kiss him, to feel the way his tongue curls around his own, to hear the tiny, pleased noises rumbling low in Chris’ throat.</p><p>Felix is trembling, overwhelmed, brimming with love.</p><p>Kissing’s never felt this good. It’s never, ever felt like this—like he’s giving all of himself up to one person, and that person’s giving the same to him. Chris kisses like he wants to leave the perfect designation of his mouth on Felix’s for the rest of his days, like he’s afraid that Felix will forget the way he tastes the moment he pulls away.</p><p>Felix will never forget.</p><p>There’s a soft, slick noise when their mouths part. Felix shivers, and lets Chris rest their foreheads together, eyes still closed. He’s quickly drifting into the space between staying awake and the content, heavy feeling of falling asleep. It’s the smooth, soothing feather-lightness of the sheets, the warmth of Chris’ arms boxing him in, the fatigue of the entire day driving him deeper into a slow, syrupy trance.</p><p>He feels, rather than sees, Chris’ smile against his cheek. “Tired, huh.” It’s not a question. He’s sure that Chris is equally as drained as he is after the day they’ve both had. Chris’ thumb is stroking gently over the line of his jaw, a comforting back and forth lull.</p><p>“Wanna keep kissing you,” Felix mumbles, forcing his eyes open momentarily to seek out Chris’ lips again, pulling him in for another kiss. Chris indulges him, kissing back gently, not making it anything other than it is. Just affection.</p><p>“Tomorrow.” Chris’ voice is soft, but firm. A promise that he won’t ever break. “We have all the time in the world, now.”</p><p>Felix tugs at the hem of Chris’ shirt like a little kid, equal parts sleepy and needy. “You’re staying right here, right?” he asks, voice pitched up high and sweet, “Don’t go back to your bed. Please.”</p><p>“M’not goin’ anywhere.” Chris kisses his temple, and Felix wriggles over to give Chris some room to lie down beside him, tugging the blankets up over them as Chris rearranges them easily, one arm around Felix’s waist as he tugs him closer. Felix tucks his face against Chris’ shoulder, inhales the familiar scent of his soap, and clings to him like he’s his lifeline. “Comfy?”</p><p>“Mm.” Felix feels Chris’ fingers in his hair again, petting him like he’s a kitten, like that night back in the dorms when he’d sang for him. “Love you,” he whispers against Chris’ chest, his sleep-logged words turning into a blend of both the languages he knows, “love you so much. Can’t believe you feel the same way.”</p><p>There’s a shuddering breath above him, and Chris lets out a soft laugh, like he can’t believe it either. “I told you,” he says, hushed and fond, “I’m home when I’m with you.” He kisses Felix’s hair. “You’re my other me, ‘Lix.”</p><p>“Yours,” Felix mumbles, nuzzling closer into him, feeling Chris’ grip tighten ever so slightly on his hip. “Always.”</p><p>As sleep slowly takes him, distantly, in the back of his mind, words he hasn’t recalled for a long time reappear, faded and true.</p><p><em>Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,</em> the memory whispers. <em>I took the one less travelled by—</em></p><p>And that has made all the difference.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><a href="http://twitter.com/SSEOMT">twitter</a> (i spend 80% of my time on twitter crying over chanlix, i need more chanlixers to talk to about headcanons) | always on discord (if anyone knows a good skz discord pls rec) | send me questions or prompts on <a href="https://curiouscat.me/SSEOMT">curiouscat</a>!</p><p>✰✰✰</p><p>all the chanlix references in this fic that everyone should and needs to know:<br/>- <a href="https://twitter.com/ultbinho/status/1244026167763615744">[chan]</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/StaysPedia/status/1175240358524932096">[loves]</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/chanlixual/status/1262352214758248455">[felix's]</a> <a href="https://twitter.com/fIuffyrose/status/1302575764827787264">[freckles]</a><br/>- <a href="https://twitter.com/shmesm2/status/1253999335395606528">felix talking about rainbow connection on vlive</a> and then <a href="https://twitter.com/98_624/status/1256928052711264258">singing along to it</a><br/>- <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkzQVHdLMR0">felix and chan baking</a> and <a href="https://youtu.be/D_tn3XgBf6Q?t=227">felix bringing baked goods</a> to <a href="https://youtu.be/nhzVDixhp8g?t=611">music shows</a><br/>- chan talking about how <a href="https://twitter.com/lixhani/status/1307016020943659011">he got cookies from felix and they were so warm and soft and chocolatey and made him feel better</a> (ok but only chan would describe cookies as... juicy)<br/>- <a href="https://youtu.be/_Lo6_GNtBa4">felix's one kids room</a><br/>- chan casually mentioning how <a href="https://www.vlive.tv/video/202479?channelCode=D7A4F1">he sleeps with felix on the top bunk</a> (yes, get those cuddles chris we see u and we support u)<br/>- <a href="https://www.vlive.tv/video/213136?channelCode=D7A4F1">felix's birthday vlive</a><br/>- "felix or me? [exhales] i'm sorry, but i have to choose felix [laughs] felix is like, my other... my other me. another me. felix is my <a href="https://twitter.com/chanlixual/status/1300070073797955584">soulmate</a>. mhm."</p><p>-</p><p>feel free to bully me into writing a follow-up in the comments i thrive on being kicked into motion</p></blockquote></div></div>
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